Rollercoaster Ride

I feel like I need to write a post that follows on from my previous, as it was a very sad and heart wrenching post to write & I wanted to write a short piece about how I've been feeling/doing as people do ask but then I want to try and move on.

I never imagined I would witness someone take their life. It's been a month today since the death of Joon Kyu Kim & I remember him everyday; The flashbacks are frequent. I see his face & his body, and I see him flying & I can't watch the new Ikea advert without my breathing becoming short and my head becoming dizzy. I feel sick when I walk over the place his body lay, and if someone says the word "throw" I flinch. Loud noises make me panic & I have a new awareness of heights which I didn't have before. When the news that Robin Williams had committed suicide broke, I found myself a crumbled mess & I feel every suicide I hear about now will affect me greatly. I am finding things difficult. But I am trying & I am getting there.

But lets move on.

I am going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments that I cannot even imagine yet. And so are you.

 

Life is a funny thing. You can be plain sailing along, without a care in the world, and you can actually be having a great time & loving life and then something happens and it really shakes you, shocks you and raises your eyes to the heavens.

"God, why did that just happen?"

"Lord, why did I just see that?"

 

I almost feel these moments HAVE to happen to us. I don't want people to think that God is an evil God who makes bad situations happen so that he can gain attention, I think these moments HAVE to happen so that we can be pulled closer to the one who is the source of peace & the only one who can do anything to make our situation better. We can't make things better. Our friend's & family can't either because none of them really know how you are feeling or exactly what you are experiencing.  In some ways, its like a little (or MASSIVE) nudge from God saying "Hey, this life thing; you aren't meant to and you don't have to do it alone; I've got you"

 

It happens in the good moments too. When something astonishing happens to you, what's the first thing you do? I know my reaction is to cry happy tears and in my head I laugh to God saying "Really? This amazing thing is for me?" or "Thank you, for this amazing, crazy life" 

God wants to be there in those good moments too, smiling and laughing with us in our happiness. He wants to be your best friend enjoying these times with you.

 

In every good or terrible moment God is pulling us closer to him. Reminding us not to go at life alone. For our souls to find rest in his embrace & that he has every situation in the palm of his hand.

 

Now go enjoy this rollercoaster life.

 

(Song below is called "Oceans" by Hillsong)

Enjoy!

17/07/2014

It's difficult to know whether I should publish this post or not. For one, it seems too soon and for another I don't want to seem disrespectful; but here it goes...

On Thursday, the 17th July, I watched as a 15 year old, Joon Kyu Kim, a young boy, took his life. His young, still so much to be fulfilled life. He jumped from the top floor of the Bental Centre, wearing his school uniform. He didn't scream. It was an eerie silence & for the split 5 seconds he was in the air, right by my kiosk where I work, he was peaceful. His worries had gone. He was flying... and then he fell. And the peace was no more.

The sound of his body landing, and the sight of him falling is something I will take a long time to recover from. But what I am really struggling to come to terms with is the fact he was in such a troubled place in his heart and mind that he needed to do that. What I'm really struggling with is the family he's left behind. I don't know his life story, I don't know if he had a mental illness. I don't know if he was bullied at school, I don't know if one of his parents had a long term illness that he was a carer for & it all became too much. I don't know if he had just received some sad news. All I know is, he had had enough of this life.This life, that can cause everyone so much sadness to people. This life where people can feel rejected, and depressed and unloved. Where we see rain more than we see sunshine, where we are stuck in jobs that are unfulfilling, where our families constantly argue.

But life can also be a beautiful, glorious thing. Where people fall in love, where new life is given when babies are born, when someone gets a new job, When you graduate from university, When you are on holiday, even the stunning nature of this World.

As Joon Kyu Kim fell, the one thing I wanted to scream out to him was "BUT YOU ARE LOVED"

One thing I now more than ever want people to know is that they are loved. Maybe not in the way they want to be loved, maybe not by the person they want to be loved by, but a love so much bigger and more powerful than all those things, that they may at times not to be able to comprehend it. They are loved by The Lord Jesus Christ, who created them who formed them in their mothers wombs, who placed them on this earth for a reason and a purpose; and who then sent his son to die for them so that they wouldn't ever have to die.
 For those of you reading this, and who don't believe in God you will probably question me saying "If God was an all loving God, then why did he let Joon Kyu take his life?" "Why did he let you witness this and cause you mental trauma?"
Let me tell you, even as a Christian myself I asked this question the moment it happened. I wanted to scream out "WHY GOD WHY!" But I don't have an answer. All I know is, is that God never lets anything happen without reasoning, and that he is a fair & loving God; and he works in mysterious ways.

Please, never take life for granted. Please, try and be loving and show kindness to everyone you meet. Please don't reject, and put down and hate people. You never know the battles people are fighting on the inside.

*If you have been affected by anything I've written today please call The Samaritans, a 24/7 counselling helpline.
http://www.samaritans.org/

I'm scared.

I'm scared. I'm scared of the generation younger than me. I'm scared of who they are all turning into too. I'm scared that they act more like a 21 year old than I do. The pressure the young girls and boys feel to be skinny, to look perfect, to wear make up, to have a boyfriend, the pressure to get more than 50 likes on a photo on Instagram and Facebook, the pressure to be clever and beautiful at the same time. So many young children are harming themselves and some even dying because of the pressure they feel to match up to friends and to be fashionable and beautiful. 

I know we all at any age sometimes feel insecure, and that we all sometimes need a confidence boost and to be told we are worthy and beautiful. But when I was 12 years old there was no Instagram or any social networking sites for other people to comment on my appearance that day or make stupid comments, and I certainly did not get a high off when someone pressed a tiny red heart to show they liked my picture. I'm scared of how society is making it acceptable to put this pressure of perfection and competition on young people... And I don't know what to do about it. 

I myself am a very insecure person and fear that I may have passed this on to my younger sister. I wear a lot of make up, and some times I have shouted that I hate myself and that I feel fat. What am I doing? What are you as parents or older siblings doing when you say some of these things in front of those younger than you?!? How dare we. We MUST stop this. 

My dear dear people, a being higher than you and more powerful than you (God) created you, loved you, and then his own son DIED for you! This surely shows and tells us how worthy we are. We don't need a thumbs up on Facebook or a like on Instagram or comments such as "babes you are so stunning" to teach us that... 

I for one am going to try my upmost to encourage natural beauty, to keep all bad thoughts about myself in my head and not to make snide comments about others in front of those younger than me. Hopefully if we can all do this the younger generation may be able to see that life isn't about looks. Life isn't about what age you have your first kiss. Life isn't about how well you do at school. 

Please help me to try and get this across. It's an issue that's been placed on my heart.

What do you all think? Have you noticed the pressure? Do you feel the pressure yourself?

God's Not Dead

Last night I went to see the film "God's Not Dead" I wasn't too sure what to expect, I was thinking it would be a very "American Christian" kind of film but I was so wrong. This film is so on point, it touches on struggles that Christian teenagers/ young adults face at school or university and also focuses on adult problems such as cancer and dating non-Christians and even caring for parents who have dementia, plus many more issues. It also follows a pastor with his missionary friend with their catchy little phrase "God is good all the time... "All the time God is good..." Its a story in itself watching how this dried out pastor starts off just saying this quote but by the end of the film he truly means it.

I don't want to give too much away because I want EVERYONE to go and watch it. However I want to share a quote from one of my favourite scenes in the film...
Picture the scene; A young man in his 30's, his life is perfect, he has girls falling at his feet, a great job, and loads of money. Sitting in front of him is his Christian mother who has dementia.
He says to her, "You prayed and believed your whole life, never done anything wrong and here you are. You're the nicest person I know; I am the meanest. You have dementia; my life is perfect. Explain that to me"

The mother stays very still and whispers "Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free of trouble because he doesn't want them turning to God. Sin is like a jail cell, except its all nice and comfy and here doesn't seem to be any need to leave. The door's wide open. Until one day, time runs out. The cell door slams shut and suddenly its too late"

This quote and scene really struck a chord with me. It can often seem that Christians suffer the worst hardships and that non-Christians are loving life and have it all going for them. (I know this isn't always the case) but the film really emphasised the fact that being a Christian and following God is not an easy road, but that God works all things together for our good.

I never expected to have a worship and heartfelt time with the holy spirit in a cinema but I did, I am still buzzing from it this morning! The band "Newsboys" where used in the film and it really added to the film so check out their music; here is my favourite song: Its called "Gods not Dead"

And here is the trailer for the film... check it out, then grab your friends and family and GO WATCH IT! It's a breath of fresh air to cinema.

Just you wait and see

"I want to remember being hurt, to want, to need something so desperately only to find out that your life is perfectly fine without it. As much as the little scar on my knee will always remind me to watch out when I am going down some stairs, yours on my heart will teach me to be kind. Because I know what it feels like to be cast aside, and I know that it's a pain from which the body itself takes a long time to recover. You will live in my mind as a cautionary tale, a fable of how much damage words can do - especially when they are insincere. And though I am not nostalgic for what we did have, I am hopeful about life being filled with everything we didn't."

Sometimes even when we do the right thing, others do the wrong thing. Sometimes we choose to give of our hearts and they get broken. Sometimes we love over and over to receive nothing back from others except selfishness, pride, and hate, and it’s hard to keep going because we see their choices as something that was a result of our choices. That is not the case.
You see, if you pour out love on other people it’s as if it is being poured into a big tank. God is storing up all that love and labelling it with your name so that it can be poured back on you at some point. Our tank is independent from anyone else’s tank. No one gets to pour anything in our tank or take anything out. God is in charge and He sees our hearts. He is saving all the love we give away so He can dump it right back on us in the future. It doesn’t matter if it’s reciprocated right now or if it’s not.
Likewise, if the people we love, return with selfishness, and pride, and cruelty, they are pouring all that hate into their own tank. God sees what they are doing and, at some point, maybe not today maybe not tomorrow, but at some point, they will get all that hate, selfishness, and pride, and arrogance poured out on them. They will receive the results of what they have poured into their tank.

I think this can teach us that it is never a waste of our hearts to give love.If you’ve been broken hearted for too long now, remember that God knows your heart. He knows all the love you have for Him, and he knows the love you have given away. He has every bit of it measured and poured out into a tank, and in his time, you will reap what you have sown. Those who have done wrong against you and against others will receive what they have sown as well.

Get this. It’s not just a possibility. It’s a promise. Don’t get weary or discouraged. Don’t give up on people or on love or on God. Find freedom in this promise that God knows. God sees and He will always take care of you. Just you wait and see.

A time for everything

"There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

    a time to kill and a time to heal
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
   a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
  a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
   a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,  a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

   a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace"

Ecclesiastes 3

 

A year ago today I was in a sad, dark place and it felt like my world had come to an end. In other words - it was my time to uproot, weep and a time to throw away. But a year on I am in such a good place; with God, with family & friends and with work. So far the end of 2013 and the beginning of this year has been my time for new things to be born, a time to laugh and dance and a time to mend.

As Ecclesiastes states; there is a time for everything. I know that realistically I won't be in the time period of healing, building,dancing and embracing forever. There are going to be other times in my life where I feel it is time to give up, to throw away and to uproot. But what I have come to know is that God's timing is always perfect. It is never rushed, it is never too slow.

 

We may not know what God is up to in our times of wanting to kill (!) or our times of mourning or giving up. But we have to trust him. And we have to allow ourselves time to mourn and time to mend. As humans we feel mad at ourselves if we are sad - but sometimes you have to be. Sometimes when someone is going through a rough time we tell them too "smile and snap out of it" but you know they are allowed a time to mourn and to cry - give it to them.

 

Life was never given to us and promised it was going to be an easy ride. The different "times" in our life make for one heck of a rollercoaster ride and if you are going through low times right now I want to encourage you that it won't be forever. It may take time to get out of the low dip, but you will soon be back to the time of dancing and building.

 

Trust God. He makes everything beautiful in it's time.

 

 

 

 

 

Short & Sweet

Happy 2014! I hope you have all had a great first few weeks of the year- I felt like I should write a blog as it has been a while but I'm stuck on what topic to write about... it's funny that its moments of trial and heartache that you get most inspiration from, and if I am 100% honest at the moment I am in a place of such contentment and peace that I genuinely just want too write a big :-) on this page and leave it for you all to look at!

At the end of 2013 I wrote a few blog posts on lessons I'd learnt, but I didn't quite manage to say everything so I am going to quickly bullet point everything that is in my head right now.

 

• I learnt that no matter what happens life goes on, and that no matter how bad things seem today, they will get better tomorrow.
• Failure is part of the process; and its not just okay; its better than okay. God doesn't want failure to shut us down.. God didn't make it a "3 strikes and you are out" sort of thing - but that its more about how God helps us dust ourselves off so we can swing from the fences again.
•  I learnt that making a living is not the same as making a life
• I learnt that I (and you reading this) should not go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands but that you need to be able to throw something back
• I learnt that whenever I make a decision with an open heart it usually is the right decision
• I learnt that even if I have a pain, I don't have to be one
• And FINALLY, I learnt that people will forget what you said, and what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

These life lessons don't just apply to me-they are just things I happened to really open my mind to in 2013 and I hope to carry on with me for the rest of my life. These life lessons apply to you too.. Things get better, good things (heck even amazing things) can come out of failure or disappointment, God never gives up on you & being kind to people is a legacy to leave behind.

 

:-)