A catch up

I can't believe I have not written a blog post so far in 2015 & that it is already the middle of March! This blog took me to so many places in my gap years & I feel I have abandoned it quite abit... A lot of stuff has been happening the past few months at university but now I am home for the Easter holidays, and then I only have 5 weeks left of my course until I have completed my first year. I thought it was time to write a little life update on things that university has taught me and let me experience so far...

I find it laughable that 2 years ago in my blog I wrote that I didn't think I would ever go to university because I didn't see the point, I thought it was a waste of money & didn't know what I wanted to do anyway. I still have my moments of wondering if I am really made for university life and doing a degree (especially with social work being so challenging) But what I have come to realise through going to university is that it is so much more than just getting a degree. My mum always said this to me when I was in my "never giving university a chance" phase but I guess I didn't believe her until I started experiencing it for myself. 

University has taught me to be incredibly independent; not just with catching trains from the south to the north, or having to cook for myself and do my washing but in ways that I had never considered independence before. At university you are literally fighting for yourself, you have to push yourself to work hard, you have to grow up and look after yourself when you are feeling poorly but mainly you have to be more than ok with who you are as a person and be comfortable in yourself. You have to realise that its ok to say "no" when you don't feel like going out/or doing whatever and you don't have to give a reason. No in itself is a full sentence. 

University has also taught me a lot about people, and the people that matter.The people that matter are those who give you an equal amount of love that you give them, those you can feel you can truly be yourself around & those who are there for you during your highest highs and lowest lows. You meet A LOT of people at university and are thrown together with people to live with & you form really strong and meaningful friendships because they become your family. But it has also taught me a lot about the people you leave behind when you go to university, or even some of the people you meet along the way during your time there (whether those people you meet be back at home or at uni) and I have learnt that some people are toxic. But that doesn't make them cruel or uncaring, and most of them have good intentions. But some people can be toxic to us simply because their needs and way of existing in the world forces us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren't inherently bad people, but they aren't the right people for us. And as hard as it is, you have to let them go - life is hard enough without being around people that bring you down and as much as you care you can't destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. Uni has taught me that you have to make your well being a priority, whether that means breaking up with someone you really care about, or loving a family member from a distance or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful, you have every right to leave and create a safe space for yourself. 

Throughout this blog I have always been open and honest about mistakes that I have made, and lessons I have learnt from those mistakes. I thought going to university for 3 years would mean for 3 years I was off the mistake/failure rollercoaster (hah!) because my life plan for the next few years was "sorted" but now I have learnt that making mistakes means that I am making new things, learning new things, learning, living, pushing myself. I'm doing things I've never done and most importantly, I'm doing something. Although I did a lot in my gap years, none of it was very fulfilling & it could be a dampener on the soul to not really be doing something that I thought mattered. So I am going to carry on making mistakes, gloriously amazing mistakes, and I am going to try and not freeze or worry or stop and think that its not good enough whether its in work or life or love. 

Finally, my course is challenging me and showing me that sadly no, I cannot change the world (as one of my lecturers said to me the other day "You can't save everyone Bethany") but I'm jolly well gonna try. My course has opened my eyes to amazing, scary and new things and I am pleased I am doing it. It has also been really refreshing to go to university and meet other people who still have no clue what they want to do after university and it's got me thinking that maybe its okay to not know where you want your life headed at the age of 21, and maybe as humans we like to complicate things a bit too much. Maybe all we need is to find what it is that makes us happy, and who it is that makes you happy & we're set. 

Until my next moment of inspiration,
x

A time to reflect

When I started this blog in January 2013, I was in a really bad place. A place where I felt I had no future and no love and in some ways felt like a lot of people were against me. 2013 was and will remain a year I will never forget, but this blog has been a document for that part of my life journey. I started it off not to get attention, not to moan, but I simply felt that my struggles needed to be shared because so many people out there struggle with life, and are not open about it. People are scared to talk about their emotions, for fear of looking weak, or for fear or being told they are attention seekers. Talking (and writing) about my emotions and my life experiences has actually opened so many doors for me and I encourage all of you to talk about your feelings, do not become a shell; it is a beautiful thing to feel.

So, it's that time of year again; to reflect and remember 2014! 2014 has been an incredibly positive, mind stretching, heart shaping year. In my stocking last Christmas, I received a little wooden plaque. On it were the words "Follow your dream" I decided there and then that 2014 was going to be my moving on year. Enough with fear of growing up, it was time to start making the life I wanted and needed. I qualified as a beautician in January 2014, and although make up and beauty are a hobby in my life, I couldn't see myself in the beauty industry as a career. I was fortunate enough (and am still fortunate enough) to have a job that I enjoy with a great team and fun company so I thought I would just carry on working there until a sign magically appeared from the heavens with what I should do. (Honestly, I thought this would happen!) In February 2014, two exciting things happened. The first was I was called for an interview at The University of York to study Social Work. I had always had social work on my mind & heart to study or go into, but didn't believe I had the grades to do it (nor did I believe I would ever move up North!) I went along to the interview, and I was petrified. More petrified than when I flew to Australia by myself. The interview itself was an intense experience, but for me the petrified feeling was because I knew it was where God wanted me, and that's a strange feeling and one I hadn't experienced before. . My mum and I were staying in a lovely B&B and the night before the interview I just KNEW it was where I was supposed to be. But I didn't want to be there.. my ideal situation would have been to stay at home, work part time, go to Kingston university and still have my family and home comforts. I had to wait a long time before I knew the results of my interview, and even though these results were good news, I was on edge everyday checking my emails kind of hoping I didn't get in, but wanting to get in at the same time (my mind is a confusing place!) The next exciting thing that happened in February was that I became a Godmother to my best friends beautiful baby girl. I truly believe this experience with my best friend and the baby is one of the reasons I stayed around Surbiton for so long. I know people say there is no feeling like becoming a mother, and I hope to have this experience myself one day; but the experience of going through Rose's pregnancy with her, and meeting and holding Belle for the first time, and watching her grow up, and watching Rose be the fantastic mother she is; I have felt emotions I have never felt before & I am so proud of them and proud to be in their lives. In March 2014 nothing really happened, apart from an interview at Winchester University. This was where I wanted to go; only an hour away from home, smaller campus, near friends and family = perfect. But nope, that door was slammed firmly shut when I was rejected... but a few days later I got an email from York, saying they wanted to have me on the course! I can remember my mum and I crying in the kitchen because all of a sudden life seemed to be moving on for me, and it was becoming very real. Not getting into Winchester did chip my heart a little bit, but after a few wise words from my older sister and her husband, I realised a degree from York (and a move far away) would help me out in the long run. Again, April 2014  life was steady, I was working, getting good money & enjoying being with my best friend and her baby. But I did get the amazing opportunity to go onto Premier radio to talk about this blog! I never thought a little blog like this would want to be aired on radio, but that was an awesome experience and one I am very grateful for. May 2014.... I found out my older sister was expecting a baby & I was going to be an aunty! This news literally made my heart burst. From the moment I knew I felt very protective over my older sister & very much in love already with little bambino. My only sadness is I will not be around very much to see baby grow up; and I am still coming to terms with this, but I know there will be holidays for me to enjoy. June 2014, life carried on as normal, and then July came. July 2014 was a shock, a big big shock that I still struggle with today. As those of you who read my blog, or know me in general will know, I witnessed a young boy commit suicide in July. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, had a round of cognitive behavioural therapy, and suffer from flashbacks. I never, ever, in a million years believed I would see something like that and feel the emotions I have felt from that day. But, I know everything happens for a reason; If I had witnessed that tragic event in 2013, I would not of been strong enough to handle it. In July, I felt I grew up. I had witnessed a life end, because of so much unhappiness in someone's life. It made me stop and really think about my life. It made me question life. It made me question God. It made me angry and sad and overwhelmed. But my conclusion was this; "I have a very blessed life. I am blessed with an amazing, loving family. I have everything I need. I have opportunities. Life is an amazing thing, and I don't plan on wasting it." The rest of July and August were a bit of a struggle. As I said, I had post-traumatic stress disorder and so sometimes I was short of temper, or overly emotional. I don't think this was helped with the upcoming move to University. SO - September came! Sunday the 28th September 2014, I moved to University! Funnily enough, the day itself I felt calm and ready. Lets say that October and November were months of fun and learning. University life has been crazy, with little sleep, lots of growing up and lots of fun. It has been what I have needed. To step out of my comfort zone, to meet new people and make new friends. To start using my brain again, (which in all honesty has been extremely difficult) I know that university is going to be a rollercoaster. I know it is going to bring heartaches and challenges and stressful times; but I feel equipped to handle these times ahead. It is now December 2014, and I am home from Christmas; Back with my family, and back to work for 5 weeks.

What have been the life lessons of 2014? I've learnt and am continuing to learn that God will put you in unexpected places, and if you go along with this, great things can come out of it. I've learnt not to run away from fear. I could of easily turned down York as it was where I didn't want to be. I could of used my post traumatic stress disorder to let me take another year off to make sure I was okay enough to handle that life change.
I learnt that even if you don't have the love you want, there are still so many people out there loving you & I learnt that life will bring amazing people into your life, who will make you smile and laugh and make the World seem a brighter place.

So, what does 2015 hold? First and foremost, becoming an aunty. I cannot wait to hold and love that baby, and it is a huge priority in my life that that baby grows up knowing how much it is loved. Secondly, to complete my first year and begin my second year at The University of York; to work hard and play hard.
And finally, to carry on living fearlessly no matter what life throws at me.

Adventure is out there

When I opened my A level results day envelope I was a bit gutted, I hadn't done amazingly, yet I hadn't failed either. So why did I feel so gutted? I had passed my exams &  my place was ready for me at Portsmouth university for 2013 after my gap year. But I just couldn't feel excited or happy. I felt numb looking around at everyone else so excited to be going away to university & starting this new chapter in their lives.

 

I guess I felt so gutted because I genuinely had NO idea what I wanted to do. The course I had gotten onto at Portsmouth wasn't really what I wanted to do but as it was a "degree" and I had achieved the grades to go it was the one I applied for. I watched as my friends and school mates went off to start their careers & it was SUCH an odd feeling.

 

I started my internship at a local theatre company which I thought I would be doing for my entire gap year. I loved the theatre, I still love the theatre & being on stage in the West End would be the ultimate dream. But this internship wasn't really what I expected it to be and so I left.

 

I then got a job at Sainsbury's bakery which got me through for a few months, but I felt so useless in my bakers hat and apron, slicing peoples bread and packing rolls. I felt so incomplete and I was miserable. This is going to sound pretty drastic but my life all changed (for worse & then better) one Saturday in January. I was totally and completely in love, and I had in some ways taken a gap year for the sake of my relationship. But it fell apart. It wasn't meant to be. And so there I was, with no friends around me, heartbroken, working in a bakery that I felt so inferior in & I was so so miserable.

I lost so much weight, I was not myself. I had lost myself through stress of my future and through wanting to be part of a two rather than comfortable on my own.

 

Somebody very generous saw my miserable state. They saw my pain and they said to me "What do you need?" I don't know why I said it, and maybe it was a bit of a joke, but I said "I need to go to the other side of the world for a little while" And just like that, the money had been given, the plane ticket was booked & I was on my way to Australia.

 

I thought in Australia I would find myself & come back completely healed & knowing what I wanted to do with my life. And in some ways, it did that. I found out that I am stronger and braver than I used to think I was, and I let go of a lost love overlooking the sea. I also sat in a café on the beach and applied for beauty school back home in London, as that was a hobby I enjoyed and after being so miserable in a job beforehand I wanted to work in something I loved.

 

So, back home from Australia & I started at beauty college. It was hard work, long days & hours and commuting into London. And surprise surprise it wasn't what I wanted to go into anymore. But this course was a wake up call for me. When I was carrying out treatments on clients, I realised I liked to talk to them and they would open up and tell me their problems (beauty THERAPIST eh?) The girls at college were all so lovely and when they would ask about my past and school they would all say "Why aren't you at university?" "You are so bright!" It made me think that maybe, just maybe a university would accept me for a social work course. Social work had always been close to my heart (Tracy Beaker has a lot to do with that!)

 

I looked up social work courses in December 2013 and my heart sank. I did NOT have the grades that any of the universities were asking for. But I thought, heck, I'll give it a go. I applied for 5 universities: Kingston, Sussex, Canterbury, Winchester and York. Straight away Kingston, Sussex and Canterbury declined me. I was feeling at a low again when an email popped through from York. They had invited me to an interview. I laughed out loud. YORK UNIVERSITY? Up there as a top 10 in England? I had no where near the grades they were asking! But off my ma and I set to York. I have never been so nervous as I was before that interview. It was intense, with a written exam, a group activity and then my one on one. The first question the interviewer asked me was "Bethany, do you think you could of worked harder at school?" I think I laughed. Of course I could of! "What stopped you?" And then the babble of the past 2 years of my life came flowing out my mouth. This interviewer was clever. In asking me that question he heard all my life experience in the space of 5 minutes. He didn't care about my grades. He wanted to know about ME.

 

I didn't hear back from York for ages, and meanwhile I had an interview at Winchester. I was gutted when I got rejected from Winchester as ideally I wanted to go somewhere nearer home. But eventually it came through, I had gotten into The University of York to study Social work. I was so so happy. I was working at the time for SNOG and it really felt like I finally knew in which direction my life was going in.

 

So there we have it, 2 years of my life summed up in a blog post. I'm off to York in 12 days & I am nervous but excited & feel a total sense of peace that there is where I am meant to be. It has taken a long time, and it's been a long tough road but I've made it, with thanks to my loving family and God.

 

Adventure is out there.

 

 

 

 

The 4 S'

I want to dedicate this blog post to a friend of mine who is going on a life changing rollercoaster at the moment.

Pastor Rick Warren wrote a beautiful article in Christianity magazine about his son's suicide and how his wife and himself have gotten through the past year. The article has really helped me after the suicide I witnessed, but the article can be used for any challenging, upsetting situation that anybody goes through. From a death, to a heartbreak, to loosing a job, to your plans being drastically changed from something you have had your heart set on to being thrown into the unknown. I don't want to focus on the suicide aspect in todays blog; this blog is for all of you going through life changing situations and will hopefully help you make sense of the emotions you are feeling.  All of the words I am typing are my own, but the four headings (shock, sorrow, struggle and surrender) are Rick's idea.

 When something sad or bad or disappointing happens to us, there are 4 stages that we as human beings go through.

The first is shock. Having recently been diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) I can tell you that shock is a horrible, horrible feeling. It's not just the immediate after effect of a situation where you feel slightly dizzy and sweaty, its an on going thing in some situations where you can become quite a different person to who you used to be and is something that needs to be dealt with in whatever way you can. I'm not going to write much on shock because I think it is self explanatory, but for some people shock can last a few minutes, others a few days, and for others, many years.

 

Stage 2; Sorrow

After the shock comes the sadness. The depressing "why me" thoughts. The thoughts that your life is unfair and that it never goes your way, and WHY is God throwing yet another crappy situation into your life.  Sometimes the sadness from whatever has happened to you can overwhelm your whole body. Some people will become reclusive and quiet and not want to speak to anybody. Others will weep out loud, the cries coming from the pit of their stomachs. Sorrow is normal & if anybody tells you that you are being over dramatic about whatever you are going through - walk away. Yes there are always going to be people going through tougher situations than you, but its hurting you so much right now because it mattered to YOU.  Sadness is SO normal, and yet even as I say that, you must try not become a mere sadness. Yes, be sad, cry & need cuddles and question things. But don't let it stop you from doing life.

 

Stage 3: Struggle

 

I suppose sorrow and struggle could be a blended stage. However in the struggle stage, part of you knows you need to be trying your very hardest to move on. But it is a struggle. People may ask you if you still believe in God and all his plans for you. My response for this would be "I have never doubted God or his existence, but I have doubted his wisdom" (we shouldn't doubt God's wisdom, but for someone struggling it can be difficult to see what he is up too)  It's a struggle to find motivation, a struggle to stop talking about it, a struggle not to think about it every waking moment. I guess part of the struggle is accepting that this (whatever it is) has happened; but it's part of your story now...

 

Stage 4; Surrender

 

So you were in shock, you cried, you tried to sleep, you struggle to return to normality and then something inside of you whispers that you can let go now. I've written these stages in the space of a few minutes, but in reality these stages can take a long time to get through, and you can sometimes do a full circle of the first three stages before you reach surrender. Saying "I surrender" is scary. It means you have let go of whatever has happened to you and put it elsewhere. For a Christian, they can say "I surrender" to God, and know that God will take them in his loving arms & protect them and help them every step of the way.

Surrender is saying "I don't know why God has put me in this situation, but I would rather walk with God and have all my questions unanswered than have all my questions answered and walk without God"

 

I hope this blog can help some of you in whatever situations you are facing. I found having names of the stages of the emotions I was (and am) feeling helped me to conquer those feelings a little better, and I hope it can do the same for you.

 

Bethany x

Rollercoaster Ride

I feel like I need to write a post that follows on from my previous, as it was a very sad and heart wrenching post to write & I wanted to write a short piece about how I've been feeling/doing as people do ask but then I want to try and move on.

I never imagined I would witness someone take their life. It's been a month today since the death of Joon Kyu Kim & I remember him everyday; The flashbacks are frequent. I see his face & his body, and I see him flying & I can't watch the new Ikea advert without my breathing becoming short and my head becoming dizzy. I feel sick when I walk over the place his body lay, and if someone says the word "throw" I flinch. Loud noises make me panic & I have a new awareness of heights which I didn't have before. When the news that Robin Williams had committed suicide broke, I found myself a crumbled mess & I feel every suicide I hear about now will affect me greatly. I am finding things difficult. But I am trying & I am getting there.

But lets move on.

I am going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments that I cannot even imagine yet. And so are you.

 

Life is a funny thing. You can be plain sailing along, without a care in the world, and you can actually be having a great time & loving life and then something happens and it really shakes you, shocks you and raises your eyes to the heavens.

"God, why did that just happen?"

"Lord, why did I just see that?"

 

I almost feel these moments HAVE to happen to us. I don't want people to think that God is an evil God who makes bad situations happen so that he can gain attention, I think these moments HAVE to happen so that we can be pulled closer to the one who is the source of peace & the only one who can do anything to make our situation better. We can't make things better. Our friend's & family can't either because none of them really know how you are feeling or exactly what you are experiencing.  In some ways, its like a little (or MASSIVE) nudge from God saying "Hey, this life thing; you aren't meant to and you don't have to do it alone; I've got you"

 

It happens in the good moments too. When something astonishing happens to you, what's the first thing you do? I know my reaction is to cry happy tears and in my head I laugh to God saying "Really? This amazing thing is for me?" or "Thank you, for this amazing, crazy life" 

God wants to be there in those good moments too, smiling and laughing with us in our happiness. He wants to be your best friend enjoying these times with you.

 

In every good or terrible moment God is pulling us closer to him. Reminding us not to go at life alone. For our souls to find rest in his embrace & that he has every situation in the palm of his hand.

 

Now go enjoy this rollercoaster life.

 

(Song below is called "Oceans" by Hillsong)

Enjoy!

17/07/2014

It's difficult to know whether I should publish this post or not. For one, it seems too soon and for another I don't want to seem disrespectful; but here it goes...

On Thursday, the 17th July, I watched as a 15 year old, Joon Kyu Kim, a young boy, took his life. His young, still so much to be fulfilled life. He jumped from the top floor of the Bental Centre, wearing his school uniform. He didn't scream. It was an eerie silence & for the split 5 seconds he was in the air, right by my kiosk where I work, he was peaceful. His worries had gone. He was flying... and then he fell. And the peace was no more.

The sound of his body landing, and the sight of him falling is something I will take a long time to recover from. But what I am really struggling to come to terms with is the fact he was in such a troubled place in his heart and mind that he needed to do that. What I'm really struggling with is the family he's left behind. I don't know his life story, I don't know if he had a mental illness. I don't know if he was bullied at school, I don't know if one of his parents had a long term illness that he was a carer for & it all became too much. I don't know if he had just received some sad news. All I know is, he had had enough of this life.This life, that can cause everyone so much sadness to people. This life where people can feel rejected, and depressed and unloved. Where we see rain more than we see sunshine, where we are stuck in jobs that are unfulfilling, where our families constantly argue.

But life can also be a beautiful, glorious thing. Where people fall in love, where new life is given when babies are born, when someone gets a new job, When you graduate from university, When you are on holiday, even the stunning nature of this World.

As Joon Kyu Kim fell, the one thing I wanted to scream out to him was "BUT YOU ARE LOVED"

One thing I now more than ever want people to know is that they are loved. Maybe not in the way they want to be loved, maybe not by the person they want to be loved by, but a love so much bigger and more powerful than all those things, that they may at times not to be able to comprehend it. They are loved by The Lord Jesus Christ, who created them who formed them in their mothers wombs, who placed them on this earth for a reason and a purpose; and who then sent his son to die for them so that they wouldn't ever have to die.
 For those of you reading this, and who don't believe in God you will probably question me saying "If God was an all loving God, then why did he let Joon Kyu take his life?" "Why did he let you witness this and cause you mental trauma?"
Let me tell you, even as a Christian myself I asked this question the moment it happened. I wanted to scream out "WHY GOD WHY!" But I don't have an answer. All I know is, is that God never lets anything happen without reasoning, and that he is a fair & loving God; and he works in mysterious ways.

Please, never take life for granted. Please, try and be loving and show kindness to everyone you meet. Please don't reject, and put down and hate people. You never know the battles people are fighting on the inside.

*If you have been affected by anything I've written today please call The Samaritans, a 24/7 counselling helpline.
http://www.samaritans.org/

I'm scared.

I'm scared. I'm scared of the generation younger than me. I'm scared of who they are all turning into too. I'm scared that they act more like a 21 year old than I do. The pressure the young girls and boys feel to be skinny, to look perfect, to wear make up, to have a boyfriend, the pressure to get more than 50 likes on a photo on Instagram and Facebook, the pressure to be clever and beautiful at the same time. So many young children are harming themselves and some even dying because of the pressure they feel to match up to friends and to be fashionable and beautiful. 

I know we all at any age sometimes feel insecure, and that we all sometimes need a confidence boost and to be told we are worthy and beautiful. But when I was 12 years old there was no Instagram or any social networking sites for other people to comment on my appearance that day or make stupid comments, and I certainly did not get a high off when someone pressed a tiny red heart to show they liked my picture. I'm scared of how society is making it acceptable to put this pressure of perfection and competition on young people... And I don't know what to do about it. 

I myself am a very insecure person and fear that I may have passed this on to my younger sister. I wear a lot of make up, and some times I have shouted that I hate myself and that I feel fat. What am I doing? What are you as parents or older siblings doing when you say some of these things in front of those younger than you?!? How dare we. We MUST stop this. 

My dear dear people, a being higher than you and more powerful than you (God) created you, loved you, and then his own son DIED for you! This surely shows and tells us how worthy we are. We don't need a thumbs up on Facebook or a like on Instagram or comments such as "babes you are so stunning" to teach us that... 

I for one am going to try my upmost to encourage natural beauty, to keep all bad thoughts about myself in my head and not to make snide comments about others in front of those younger than me. Hopefully if we can all do this the younger generation may be able to see that life isn't about looks. Life isn't about what age you have your first kiss. Life isn't about how well you do at school. 

Please help me to try and get this across. It's an issue that's been placed on my heart.

What do you all think? Have you noticed the pressure? Do you feel the pressure yourself?