Adventure is out there

When I opened my A level results day envelope I was a bit gutted, I hadn't done amazingly, yet I hadn't failed either. So why did I feel so gutted? I had passed my exams &  my place was ready for me at Portsmouth university for 2013 after my gap year. But I just couldn't feel excited or happy. I felt numb looking around at everyone else so excited to be going away to university & starting this new chapter in their lives.

 

I guess I felt so gutted because I genuinely had NO idea what I wanted to do. The course I had gotten onto at Portsmouth wasn't really what I wanted to do but as it was a "degree" and I had achieved the grades to go it was the one I applied for. I watched as my friends and school mates went off to start their careers & it was SUCH an odd feeling.

 

I started my internship at a local theatre company which I thought I would be doing for my entire gap year. I loved the theatre, I still love the theatre & being on stage in the West End would be the ultimate dream. But this internship wasn't really what I expected it to be and so I left.

 

I then got a job at Sainsbury's bakery which got me through for a few months, but I felt so useless in my bakers hat and apron, slicing peoples bread and packing rolls. I felt so incomplete and I was miserable. This is going to sound pretty drastic but my life all changed (for worse & then better) one Saturday in January. I was totally and completely in love, and I had in some ways taken a gap year for the sake of my relationship. But it fell apart. It wasn't meant to be. And so there I was, with no friends around me, heartbroken, working in a bakery that I felt so inferior in & I was so so miserable.

I lost so much weight, I was not myself. I had lost myself through stress of my future and through wanting to be part of a two rather than comfortable on my own.

 

Somebody very generous saw my miserable state. They saw my pain and they said to me "What do you need?" I don't know why I said it, and maybe it was a bit of a joke, but I said "I need to go to the other side of the world for a little while" And just like that, the money had been given, the plane ticket was booked & I was on my way to Australia.

 

I thought in Australia I would find myself & come back completely healed & knowing what I wanted to do with my life. And in some ways, it did that. I found out that I am stronger and braver than I used to think I was, and I let go of a lost love overlooking the sea. I also sat in a café on the beach and applied for beauty school back home in London, as that was a hobby I enjoyed and after being so miserable in a job beforehand I wanted to work in something I loved.

 

So, back home from Australia & I started at beauty college. It was hard work, long days & hours and commuting into London. And surprise surprise it wasn't what I wanted to go into anymore. But this course was a wake up call for me. When I was carrying out treatments on clients, I realised I liked to talk to them and they would open up and tell me their problems (beauty THERAPIST eh?) The girls at college were all so lovely and when they would ask about my past and school they would all say "Why aren't you at university?" "You are so bright!" It made me think that maybe, just maybe a university would accept me for a social work course. Social work had always been close to my heart (Tracy Beaker has a lot to do with that!)

 

I looked up social work courses in December 2013 and my heart sank. I did NOT have the grades that any of the universities were asking for. But I thought, heck, I'll give it a go. I applied for 5 universities: Kingston, Sussex, Canterbury, Winchester and York. Straight away Kingston, Sussex and Canterbury declined me. I was feeling at a low again when an email popped through from York. They had invited me to an interview. I laughed out loud. YORK UNIVERSITY? Up there as a top 10 in England? I had no where near the grades they were asking! But off my ma and I set to York. I have never been so nervous as I was before that interview. It was intense, with a written exam, a group activity and then my one on one. The first question the interviewer asked me was "Bethany, do you think you could of worked harder at school?" I think I laughed. Of course I could of! "What stopped you?" And then the babble of the past 2 years of my life came flowing out my mouth. This interviewer was clever. In asking me that question he heard all my life experience in the space of 5 minutes. He didn't care about my grades. He wanted to know about ME.

 

I didn't hear back from York for ages, and meanwhile I had an interview at Winchester. I was gutted when I got rejected from Winchester as ideally I wanted to go somewhere nearer home. But eventually it came through, I had gotten into The University of York to study Social work. I was so so happy. I was working at the time for SNOG and it really felt like I finally knew in which direction my life was going in.

 

So there we have it, 2 years of my life summed up in a blog post. I'm off to York in 12 days & I am nervous but excited & feel a total sense of peace that there is where I am meant to be. It has taken a long time, and it's been a long tough road but I've made it, with thanks to my loving family and God.

 

Adventure is out there.

 

 

 

 

The 4 S'

I want to dedicate this blog post to a friend of mine who is going on a life changing rollercoaster at the moment.

Pastor Rick Warren wrote a beautiful article in Christianity magazine about his son's suicide and how his wife and himself have gotten through the past year. The article has really helped me after the suicide I witnessed, but the article can be used for any challenging, upsetting situation that anybody goes through. From a death, to a heartbreak, to loosing a job, to your plans being drastically changed from something you have had your heart set on to being thrown into the unknown. I don't want to focus on the suicide aspect in todays blog; this blog is for all of you going through life changing situations and will hopefully help you make sense of the emotions you are feeling.  All of the words I am typing are my own, but the four headings (shock, sorrow, struggle and surrender) are Rick's idea.

 When something sad or bad or disappointing happens to us, there are 4 stages that we as human beings go through.

The first is shock. Having recently been diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) I can tell you that shock is a horrible, horrible feeling. It's not just the immediate after effect of a situation where you feel slightly dizzy and sweaty, its an on going thing in some situations where you can become quite a different person to who you used to be and is something that needs to be dealt with in whatever way you can. I'm not going to write much on shock because I think it is self explanatory, but for some people shock can last a few minutes, others a few days, and for others, many years.

 

Stage 2; Sorrow

After the shock comes the sadness. The depressing "why me" thoughts. The thoughts that your life is unfair and that it never goes your way, and WHY is God throwing yet another crappy situation into your life.  Sometimes the sadness from whatever has happened to you can overwhelm your whole body. Some people will become reclusive and quiet and not want to speak to anybody. Others will weep out loud, the cries coming from the pit of their stomachs. Sorrow is normal & if anybody tells you that you are being over dramatic about whatever you are going through - walk away. Yes there are always going to be people going through tougher situations than you, but its hurting you so much right now because it mattered to YOU.  Sadness is SO normal, and yet even as I say that, you must try not become a mere sadness. Yes, be sad, cry & need cuddles and question things. But don't let it stop you from doing life.

 

Stage 3: Struggle

 

I suppose sorrow and struggle could be a blended stage. However in the struggle stage, part of you knows you need to be trying your very hardest to move on. But it is a struggle. People may ask you if you still believe in God and all his plans for you. My response for this would be "I have never doubted God or his existence, but I have doubted his wisdom" (we shouldn't doubt God's wisdom, but for someone struggling it can be difficult to see what he is up too)  It's a struggle to find motivation, a struggle to stop talking about it, a struggle not to think about it every waking moment. I guess part of the struggle is accepting that this (whatever it is) has happened; but it's part of your story now...

 

Stage 4; Surrender

 

So you were in shock, you cried, you tried to sleep, you struggle to return to normality and then something inside of you whispers that you can let go now. I've written these stages in the space of a few minutes, but in reality these stages can take a long time to get through, and you can sometimes do a full circle of the first three stages before you reach surrender. Saying "I surrender" is scary. It means you have let go of whatever has happened to you and put it elsewhere. For a Christian, they can say "I surrender" to God, and know that God will take them in his loving arms & protect them and help them every step of the way.

Surrender is saying "I don't know why God has put me in this situation, but I would rather walk with God and have all my questions unanswered than have all my questions answered and walk without God"

 

I hope this blog can help some of you in whatever situations you are facing. I found having names of the stages of the emotions I was (and am) feeling helped me to conquer those feelings a little better, and I hope it can do the same for you.

 

Bethany x

Rollercoaster Ride

I feel like I need to write a post that follows on from my previous, as it was a very sad and heart wrenching post to write & I wanted to write a short piece about how I've been feeling/doing as people do ask but then I want to try and move on.

I never imagined I would witness someone take their life. It's been a month today since the death of Joon Kyu Kim & I remember him everyday; The flashbacks are frequent. I see his face & his body, and I see him flying & I can't watch the new Ikea advert without my breathing becoming short and my head becoming dizzy. I feel sick when I walk over the place his body lay, and if someone says the word "throw" I flinch. Loud noises make me panic & I have a new awareness of heights which I didn't have before. When the news that Robin Williams had committed suicide broke, I found myself a crumbled mess & I feel every suicide I hear about now will affect me greatly. I am finding things difficult. But I am trying & I am getting there.

But lets move on.

I am going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments that I cannot even imagine yet. And so are you.

 

Life is a funny thing. You can be plain sailing along, without a care in the world, and you can actually be having a great time & loving life and then something happens and it really shakes you, shocks you and raises your eyes to the heavens.

"God, why did that just happen?"

"Lord, why did I just see that?"

 

I almost feel these moments HAVE to happen to us. I don't want people to think that God is an evil God who makes bad situations happen so that he can gain attention, I think these moments HAVE to happen so that we can be pulled closer to the one who is the source of peace & the only one who can do anything to make our situation better. We can't make things better. Our friend's & family can't either because none of them really know how you are feeling or exactly what you are experiencing.  In some ways, its like a little (or MASSIVE) nudge from God saying "Hey, this life thing; you aren't meant to and you don't have to do it alone; I've got you"

 

It happens in the good moments too. When something astonishing happens to you, what's the first thing you do? I know my reaction is to cry happy tears and in my head I laugh to God saying "Really? This amazing thing is for me?" or "Thank you, for this amazing, crazy life" 

God wants to be there in those good moments too, smiling and laughing with us in our happiness. He wants to be your best friend enjoying these times with you.

 

In every good or terrible moment God is pulling us closer to him. Reminding us not to go at life alone. For our souls to find rest in his embrace & that he has every situation in the palm of his hand.

 

Now go enjoy this rollercoaster life.

 

(Song below is called "Oceans" by Hillsong)

Enjoy!

17/07/2014

It's difficult to know whether I should publish this post or not. For one, it seems too soon and for another I don't want to seem disrespectful; but here it goes...

On Thursday, the 17th July, I watched as a 15 year old, Joon Kyu Kim, a young boy, took his life. His young, still so much to be fulfilled life. He jumped from the top floor of the Bental Centre, wearing his school uniform. He didn't scream. It was an eerie silence & for the split 5 seconds he was in the air, right by my kiosk where I work, he was peaceful. His worries had gone. He was flying... and then he fell. And the peace was no more.

The sound of his body landing, and the sight of him falling is something I will take a long time to recover from. But what I am really struggling to come to terms with is the fact he was in such a troubled place in his heart and mind that he needed to do that. What I'm really struggling with is the family he's left behind. I don't know his life story, I don't know if he had a mental illness. I don't know if he was bullied at school, I don't know if one of his parents had a long term illness that he was a carer for & it all became too much. I don't know if he had just received some sad news. All I know is, he had had enough of this life.This life, that can cause everyone so much sadness to people. This life where people can feel rejected, and depressed and unloved. Where we see rain more than we see sunshine, where we are stuck in jobs that are unfulfilling, where our families constantly argue.

But life can also be a beautiful, glorious thing. Where people fall in love, where new life is given when babies are born, when someone gets a new job, When you graduate from university, When you are on holiday, even the stunning nature of this World.

As Joon Kyu Kim fell, the one thing I wanted to scream out to him was "BUT YOU ARE LOVED"

One thing I now more than ever want people to know is that they are loved. Maybe not in the way they want to be loved, maybe not by the person they want to be loved by, but a love so much bigger and more powerful than all those things, that they may at times not to be able to comprehend it. They are loved by The Lord Jesus Christ, who created them who formed them in their mothers wombs, who placed them on this earth for a reason and a purpose; and who then sent his son to die for them so that they wouldn't ever have to die.
 For those of you reading this, and who don't believe in God you will probably question me saying "If God was an all loving God, then why did he let Joon Kyu take his life?" "Why did he let you witness this and cause you mental trauma?"
Let me tell you, even as a Christian myself I asked this question the moment it happened. I wanted to scream out "WHY GOD WHY!" But I don't have an answer. All I know is, is that God never lets anything happen without reasoning, and that he is a fair & loving God; and he works in mysterious ways.

Please, never take life for granted. Please, try and be loving and show kindness to everyone you meet. Please don't reject, and put down and hate people. You never know the battles people are fighting on the inside.

*If you have been affected by anything I've written today please call The Samaritans, a 24/7 counselling helpline.
http://www.samaritans.org/

I'm scared.

I'm scared. I'm scared of the generation younger than me. I'm scared of who they are all turning into too. I'm scared that they act more like a 21 year old than I do. The pressure the young girls and boys feel to be skinny, to look perfect, to wear make up, to have a boyfriend, the pressure to get more than 50 likes on a photo on Instagram and Facebook, the pressure to be clever and beautiful at the same time. So many young children are harming themselves and some even dying because of the pressure they feel to match up to friends and to be fashionable and beautiful. 

I know we all at any age sometimes feel insecure, and that we all sometimes need a confidence boost and to be told we are worthy and beautiful. But when I was 12 years old there was no Instagram or any social networking sites for other people to comment on my appearance that day or make stupid comments, and I certainly did not get a high off when someone pressed a tiny red heart to show they liked my picture. I'm scared of how society is making it acceptable to put this pressure of perfection and competition on young people... And I don't know what to do about it. 

I myself am a very insecure person and fear that I may have passed this on to my younger sister. I wear a lot of make up, and some times I have shouted that I hate myself and that I feel fat. What am I doing? What are you as parents or older siblings doing when you say some of these things in front of those younger than you?!? How dare we. We MUST stop this. 

My dear dear people, a being higher than you and more powerful than you (God) created you, loved you, and then his own son DIED for you! This surely shows and tells us how worthy we are. We don't need a thumbs up on Facebook or a like on Instagram or comments such as "babes you are so stunning" to teach us that... 

I for one am going to try my upmost to encourage natural beauty, to keep all bad thoughts about myself in my head and not to make snide comments about others in front of those younger than me. Hopefully if we can all do this the younger generation may be able to see that life isn't about looks. Life isn't about what age you have your first kiss. Life isn't about how well you do at school. 

Please help me to try and get this across. It's an issue that's been placed on my heart.

What do you all think? Have you noticed the pressure? Do you feel the pressure yourself?

God's Not Dead

Last night I went to see the film "God's Not Dead" I wasn't too sure what to expect, I was thinking it would be a very "American Christian" kind of film but I was so wrong. This film is so on point, it touches on struggles that Christian teenagers/ young adults face at school or university and also focuses on adult problems such as cancer and dating non-Christians and even caring for parents who have dementia, plus many more issues. It also follows a pastor with his missionary friend with their catchy little phrase "God is good all the time... "All the time God is good..." Its a story in itself watching how this dried out pastor starts off just saying this quote but by the end of the film he truly means it.

I don't want to give too much away because I want EVERYONE to go and watch it. However I want to share a quote from one of my favourite scenes in the film...
Picture the scene; A young man in his 30's, his life is perfect, he has girls falling at his feet, a great job, and loads of money. Sitting in front of him is his Christian mother who has dementia.
He says to her, "You prayed and believed your whole life, never done anything wrong and here you are. You're the nicest person I know; I am the meanest. You have dementia; my life is perfect. Explain that to me"

The mother stays very still and whispers "Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free of trouble because he doesn't want them turning to God. Sin is like a jail cell, except its all nice and comfy and here doesn't seem to be any need to leave. The door's wide open. Until one day, time runs out. The cell door slams shut and suddenly its too late"

This quote and scene really struck a chord with me. It can often seem that Christians suffer the worst hardships and that non-Christians are loving life and have it all going for them. (I know this isn't always the case) but the film really emphasised the fact that being a Christian and following God is not an easy road, but that God works all things together for our good.

I never expected to have a worship and heartfelt time with the holy spirit in a cinema but I did, I am still buzzing from it this morning! The band "Newsboys" where used in the film and it really added to the film so check out their music; here is my favourite song: Its called "Gods not Dead"

And here is the trailer for the film... check it out, then grab your friends and family and GO WATCH IT! It's a breath of fresh air to cinema.

Just you wait and see

"I want to remember being hurt, to want, to need something so desperately only to find out that your life is perfectly fine without it. As much as the little scar on my knee will always remind me to watch out when I am going down some stairs, yours on my heart will teach me to be kind. Because I know what it feels like to be cast aside, and I know that it's a pain from which the body itself takes a long time to recover. You will live in my mind as a cautionary tale, a fable of how much damage words can do - especially when they are insincere. And though I am not nostalgic for what we did have, I am hopeful about life being filled with everything we didn't."

Sometimes even when we do the right thing, others do the wrong thing. Sometimes we choose to give of our hearts and they get broken. Sometimes we love over and over to receive nothing back from others except selfishness, pride, and hate, and it’s hard to keep going because we see their choices as something that was a result of our choices. That is not the case.
You see, if you pour out love on other people it’s as if it is being poured into a big tank. God is storing up all that love and labelling it with your name so that it can be poured back on you at some point. Our tank is independent from anyone else’s tank. No one gets to pour anything in our tank or take anything out. God is in charge and He sees our hearts. He is saving all the love we give away so He can dump it right back on us in the future. It doesn’t matter if it’s reciprocated right now or if it’s not.
Likewise, if the people we love, return with selfishness, and pride, and cruelty, they are pouring all that hate into their own tank. God sees what they are doing and, at some point, maybe not today maybe not tomorrow, but at some point, they will get all that hate, selfishness, and pride, and arrogance poured out on them. They will receive the results of what they have poured into their tank.

I think this can teach us that it is never a waste of our hearts to give love.If you’ve been broken hearted for too long now, remember that God knows your heart. He knows all the love you have for Him, and he knows the love you have given away. He has every bit of it measured and poured out into a tank, and in his time, you will reap what you have sown. Those who have done wrong against you and against others will receive what they have sown as well.

Get this. It’s not just a possibility. It’s a promise. Don’t get weary or discouraged. Don’t give up on people or on love or on God. Find freedom in this promise that God knows. God sees and He will always take care of you. Just you wait and see.