A year ago today I witnessed a young boy commit suicide and it shook me in such a way that I can't even put it into words. I wasn't the only person who saw that horrific event that day, and sadly I won't be the last person to witness something like that- and I know that there are many horrible things going on in the world that people, including young children have to witness everyday and so I do not want to write this post for you all to feel sorry for me, because believe me I know people have it so much worse- rather I want to write about how that event has changed me as a person a year on and how I have managed to cope living with post traumatic stress disorder.
The young boy we now know, due to a serious case review decided to end his own life because of family matters- he had stolen £500 from his dad that morning and as his dad had hit him before he did not want to have to go home and face the consequences of his actions. He was terrified and alone of going back to his own house. Now as a trainee social worker and just as a human being in general the thought of anyone not feeling safe in their own home makes me so sad... And I only wish he could of reached out for help and support. I do believe there must have been an underlying anxiety/depression illness that this boy had to decide to do something so drastic; however this is not discussed in the case review.
The whole situation in some way has influenced my decision making throughout my degree to where I may go on placement. When I went into social work I wanted to head down the children and families/ adoption and fostering route. However, life experiences (including witnessing this boy's death) made me become more open minded at the types of people out there and all their different needs. I had to write down where I would like to be based and where I wouldn't like to be based: and even though the thought of witnessing something like that again makes me feel sick to my stomach, if I can work with people who are suffering from these mental illnesses, who haven't had the blessed, happy upbringing that I have had and prevent at least one from harming themselves then I am satisfied. So that's where my first placement is; working in a mental health rehabilitating centre; I'm bracing myself for the challenging and emotional times, but as I wrote in my post on this last year- I truly believe every situation we encounter is to build us in character for the future chapters in our life & so maybe it wasn't a case of me being in the wrong place at the wrong time after all...
Obviously before the event I tried my best at being a "nice human being" but these-days I feel more of an overwhelming sense to be and to really try and treat each human being with kindness and be patient and show love to everyone even in the smallest of ways. I read a quote that said "be kind to everyone, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about" as well as "you never truly know how broken the person sitting next to you is." Imagine if one small, loving action of ours actually changed someone's mindset for the day or even healed their heart a little bit!
Being diagnosed with PTSD last year was in some ways a relief because I had a reason for the way I was feeling but in other ways I felt silly because others had seen the same event and where supposingly just "dealing with it" I didn't sleep properly for a month, I cried everyday, I couldn't close my eyes without seeing him fall & I was and still am incredibly jumpy to any loud noise, and would avoid bridges etc at all costs.
I also feel that there is lack of awareness for PTSD as most people seem to think it's what soldiers get when they come home from war, however it is a lot more common than is discussed, and there are many people out there walking around undiagnosed especially after events like 9/11 and the London bombings and goodness knows how many people in Syria or being captured by ISIS have it. So I know I'm not the only person to have suffered and be suffering but it is an issue that is on my heart and that I have the privilege of writing about. Depression and anxiety are the main mental illnesses discussed today and even though I know it is so important to help and care for the people suffering with these illnesses and raise awareness for them I can't help but feel that many people believe someone who witnessed a tragic event will just get over it in a few weeks and then be ok, and that there is no need for a label for it. It can be a very lonely time and sometimes feel very unsupported and misunderstood and I know some people will think "why can't she just get over it already"
I contacted the NHS 5 days after the event as I still wasn't sleeping and wasn't myself and I was fortunate to receive a round of cognitive behavioural therapy and was discharged after 3 months when they believed I could apply the techniques by myself. Anyone unsure of CBT it is a talking therapy which helps you manage problems and changes the way you think. CBT cannot remove your problems, but it can help you deal with them in a more positive way. It is based on the concept that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and actions are interconnected, and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap you in a vicious cycle. CBT aims to help you crack this cycle by breaking down overwhelming problems into smaller parts and showing you how to change these negative patterns to improve the way you feel. I still use these techniques today, and the flashbacks are now very few and far between- but this does not mean I do not think of that boy, his family, or that day. Everyday he crosses my mind and I know that July the 17th every year will be tinged with a slight sense of grief.
So what has this event and this past year taught me? Firstly that the human mind is a powerful tool. What you feed it is so important; feed it positive thoughts and you can heal- fuel it with negative and depressing thoughts and you will sink. Secondly to always believe in yourself, believe that you can overcome anything, that you can conquer whatever it is that's holding you back, and just go for things. Try things. Push yourself out of your comfort zone- make yourself face those uncomfortable situations because that's how you grow. Thirdly, that it is ok to experience a range of emotions & it is ok to talk about them, to not keep them inside as this is unhealthy and harmful. And finally that life really is a beautiful, sacred thing and even if you are having troubles or worries or suffering from an illness of any sort there are people out there who will love you and support you and want you to have the best life possible; do not let any event, experience or person make you not live this life to the full- rather take that thing that happened to you and write it in to the story of your life.
