Never to old to need your mumma

Hello from my mums & dad's bed (what a strange introduction) but it's my safe haven currently. It is currently day 3 of my recovery from my tonsillectomy and I have had a heck of a lot of time to ponder on life the past 3 days, and even though I had been warned that having my tonsils out was going to be very painful, I could not have prepared myself in the slightest for the pain and ugliness to follow. Many people think that having your tonsils out is a breeze where you get to eat lots of jelly and ice cream after; and for kids, this is the case. However for us adults it is a whole new ball game. I am not writing this to be over dramatic (which I know I have a tendency to be) but google any adult tonsillectomy and all will echo my next few thoughts. 

The day of the operation itself went quite smoothly; into St.Georges for 7am and I am top of the list for the ENT surgeons. (result!) I met my doctor and my anaesthetist both who were thorough but lovely. Around 10:30am I was taken off into a changing room and got into the most fashionable NHS hospital gown along with green DVT socks and red theatre non slip slippers. I looked FAB. I got a bit teary eyed at this point; I had to say goodbye to my mumma, as I am an adult (haha) and I was also scared about being put to sleep. I even asked the anaesthetist (who's name was Richard and he will be called anything but Dick!) how I would wake up after. He explained it to me but at this point he was putting some strong gin and tonic into my veins and I didn't get to hear the answer. I woke up in recovery around 12pm and the pain hit me straight away. I think I asked for some water and when they gave it to me I cried because I couldn't even swallow it. They gave me some codeine which again I cried when I tried to take because it didn't seem to go down the right way. I then kept asking for my mum and I was so pleased when she rushed through those doors. The next hour was horrific. I vomited blood and vomiting is bad enough let alone when you've had surgery on your throat and it pulls at those muscles. That night I slept quite well considering; I was so dosed up on codeine and had used up a lot of nervous energy. 

So today is Day 3. Day's 1-3 have been very tough. It's no longer jelly and ice cream that you are advised to eat but harsh foods to scrape away the scabs and to stop blood clots forming. I tried toast and choked, but funnily enough have been managing bread sticks and today managed a few crisps! If anybody wants to loose weight having your tonsils out is the way forward (I joke it's gross, don't do it) 
I have sore ears, a stiff jaw, a swollen tongue, a swollen face and my teeth hurt. I am basically miserable and bored and have awful breath. (Fun times for my family!) Things I have found that have helped have been ice packs and then hot things on my neck, water with ice cubes in, and a travel pillow around my neck 24/7.  Taking my pain meds at the correct times also helps me through. But anyway, I didn't write this blog to tell you all my symptoms and descriptions of scabs falling out my mouth (mmmm) rather I wanted to write this because going through something like this has taught me three things. 

1. People will always surprise you; If someone I loved or cared about was going through an operation (no matter what it was) I would message them constantly (annoying I know) and they would most likely pre-occupy my thoughts for most of the day they went under and for the recovery time. The thing is, my family have been ever so loving and supportive and a few of my friends have been too and many people in my church, but I have learnt that I expect too much from people and it's come as a bit of a crash to earth to be honest. Some people I never would have thought would care for me have checked up on how I am (which is a lovely surprise) But, I've had to learn the past few days that not everybody thinks the way I do, or has the same heart as I do and that most people are so pre-occupied in their own stressors of life that it doesn't even occur to them to ask how I'm doing. This doesn't make them bad people, it just means they can't communicate with me on my level and this hurts my feelings.  Maybe this makes me selfish for thinking people I thought cared should take 5 seconds out of their day for me, but I am grateful for my supportive few and will value and treasure them even more dearly from now on. 

2. Never take well-health for granted; I used my voice ALOT. I sing and talk 24/7. So this not having a voice thing is quite frustrating. I thought I would enjoy lying in bed and watching movies for 2 weeks but 3 days in and I'm bored. I can't even make it through a film without falling asleep as the pain killers I'm on make me sleep a lot. I want to be outside, seeing friends, and drinking coffee and heck I even want the concentration to write my essay! I know I've just got to get through these next 11 days and I shall hopefully be back to my normal self. Maybe this is all teaching me something about not taking my good health for granted, and to get up and go do the things I want to whilst I can because you never know when something is going to knock you back or for how long. To the people out there suffering with long-term illnesses I salute you for getting up and on with life; even with the medication you are taking and the pain you are experiencing; keep inspiring us all. 

3. You are never to old to need your mum; My mum has been my rock the past few days. She's been getting up in the night when I wake up, she's been forcing me to try and eat (which even if at the time I dislike her for, I know its for my own good) she's been bringing me up ice cold water and making sure I am comfortable. My parent's are amazing, a lot of people know this. Today for example they have both fulfilled their duties at church (Dad did baptisms) and this afternoon they hosted about 10 senior's for lunch all whilst making sure I was okay up here! They are balancing their hectic jobs and lives and now a poorly, emotional wreck of a daughter for 2 weeks - so keep them in your thoughts, and remember, you are never to old to need your mumma ;-) 

Operation Preparation

Throughout my time writing this blog I have taken you all with me through the highs and lows of my life since the age of 19. Most of these highs and lows have been reflections on love and loss (and my amazing time in Australia) however the next few blog posts are going to be on health. I am undergoing a tonsillectomy on April the 9th and so even if it may be very boring for you all to read I have decided I am going to document my surgery and my recovery process (mainly to give me something to focus on!) But also because I have read a few blog posts from adults who have under gone the same surgery and found it incredibly re-assuring and interesting. 

So, why am I having this tonsillectomy? Two reasons! I have suffered from bouts of tonsillitis since the age of 7 and it has come to the point now where my body is in a constant state of having tonsillitis. My tonsils are so inflamed and massive that I can't swallow food very easily, and I haven't felt "well" in a good few months. I am constantly tired, I nap a lot, and at first I thought this was me just being a student, but when I realised not many people were having as many naps as me I got concerned, and was then informed that due to my body constantly fighting infection it is totally normal for me to sleep a lot. I have also put on weight around my neck and face and this is due to the size of my tonsils and my glands being swollen & okay maybe some of it is due to the copious amount of pasta I consume also... 

The second reason is because of my tonsil size I have very little breathing gap space in my throat. This causes me at night to suffer from sleep apnoea. This only began about a year and a half ago, and at first it was flippin scary! Waking up in the night gasping for breath and making these awful sounds, I'm surprised the first time it happened I didn't ring 999 straight away! (I rang my mum instead) This also explains why I am tired most of the time as I haven't had a full nights sleep in nearly 2 years. All in all, it's been pretty rubbish and negative but at least now it is getting sorted! 

Preparing for the operation itself its quite daunting; I know some people reading this will think I am just being dramatic "its only having your tonsils out" but there is a lot of evidence that tonsillectomy in adults (which yes I count as now argh!) is incredibly painful and takes a while to recover from. I also do not like the fact that someone is "putting me to sleep"  (however I have been told when I wake up it will feel like the best sleep I've ever had) The thing I am most concerned about is my singing voice; I have been trained since I was 13 to sing with these huge tonsils in my mouth and now I am all of a sudden going to have all this new space to play around with. My singing coach has remained positive and although I will have to re-train my voice a little it should all in all improve the quality and tone of my voice in the long run. 

At the end of 2015 at church we had a service of "looking forward to 2016" with times of testimony from anyone who wanted to contribute. I spoke on the beautiful hymn "Abide with me" 

1. I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
   Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness;
   Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
   I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

                                                                                                                               

I love the line where it says "Ills have no weight and tears no bitterness" Of course when we go through health problems they can feel like they take over our lives and our families lives, but again as always I am a strong believer in every thing (yes, even health concerns) happening for a reason - and I am not yet sure why I have been through a year and a bit of feeling so rough but I am hoping that one day that will come to light. I have been trying to focus on other things but ever since I found out the date of my operation very little else has been pre-occupying my mind, and I am having to be careful in a way to not become selfish and make everything about me as I know there are many other problems in people's lives and the world.  I guess this is why this blog is so good - I have every right to write about me because its all my confessions! 

So here we go, 4 days to go till peace & quiet for my family and a whole lot of lessons in patience and dealing with pain for me... 

Until the recovery journey! 

Hello 2016

It has taken me a good few days to write my end of 2015 blog; this is because 2015 was a year where nothing incredibly dramatic happened month by month like it seemed to do in 2014.It has taken me a while to get my head around 2015, as it was a whirlwind but I really wanted to give it justice. Looking back now I see that 2015 was a year of character development and life lessons in small doses. I write this blog not to attention seek, but to reflect and inform.

At the end of my 2014 year review blog I wrote these words: "So what does 2015 hold? First and foremost, becoming an aunty. I cannot wait to hold and love that baby, and it is a huge priority of mine that baby grows up knowing how much it is loved. Secondly to complete my first year and start my second year at The University of York, and finally to carry on living fearlessly no matter what life throws at me" 

I became an Aunty on January the 22nd 2015 to a beautiful baby girl; Emilia Ellen Condello. She means the world to me, and I will love her and fiercely protect her forever. She brings so much joy to our family, and to others and I cannot wait to see what a little world changer she is going to be. So thats the first thing ticked off my 2015 list. I completed my first year at The University of York (just!) and am now into full swing of second year. I am enjoying my course, being challenged, learning a lot and am happy and settled. Second thing checked off the list.

Did I manage to live fearlessly no matter what life threw at me? Well, as I said, in 2015 there wasn't really any one big event that changed me, or my perspective, or even anything that drastically sad happen to me. But a few little things did occur that taught me a few lessons.
I lost two people who used to mean the world to me. And not through death - in fact I lost them because of life. People do outgrow people, it is part of life - however when those out growings (I am aware this isn't even a word!) happen and you aren't entirely sure why they have happened you begin to question yourself. Was it me? Something I did? Something I didn't do? Did I not make enough effort? You can question and question yourself, and wonder where it went wrong, and try and resolve the situation - but sometimes after you have apologised, and tried more than once you have to learn to let it go, and realise that some things will never go back to how they used to be.

This happened to me and it made me realise once again how great God's timing is. If I had lost said person whilst I was still living at home, and hadn't moved up to York, I would have been so very lonely. But the timing that this event happened, I am surrounded by amazing friends, and I have learnt the true value of friendship. I also lost somebody who was no good for me, but I have only just realised that they were no good for me in the past few weeks. This person hurt me in a way that I haven't been hurt before. Constant lies, followed by constant rounds of forgiving and forgetting, followed by more constant lies, and getting people involved who I thought were my friends in on those lies. I finally learnt at the end of 2015 to let it go. This person is never going to be a good person for me, no matter how much I may want them in my life. This person brought nothing to me except a constant state of anxiety and panic and sadness. And currently I have all the people around me that do not bring me anything but happiness, fun and laughter. I learnt through this that I can't control people's behaviour, and I no longer want that burden. And I will no longer put up with being mistreated or lied too.
So did I live through those events fearlessly? I like to think so; loosing people is never easy, but you have to keep running the race that is life.

Also in 2015 I like to think that myself & my family lived fearlessly in the face of illness. My dad did not have a very positive "well" year and it has been a trying time for us all. 2015 taught me the importance of family; and how family are everything. Family are there for you through situations that nobody else knows you go through, family are the ones who you laugh the hardest with and cry the most with & family are also the ones to take you to A&E when you end up with concussion after a few too many on a night out!

In 2015 I also moved into my own house with my friends! We have had to learn bill paying, communal living skills, and basically become as adult as we can! (We still haven't achieved this!) I love my house, and I feel I have grown again in independence and knowledge of life.
I undertook a placement within a mental health recovery setting, and was challenged, stressed, and worn out. I learnt how privileged my life has been and still is, but not to underplay some of the things I go through, because each experience is just as important no matter what the situation.

But I learnt a lot, grew in confidence and my mind and emotions were stretched. I never expected university to be this much of a whole learning experience, but it really is so much more than just getting a degree.

So, 2016, what do you bring? This morning I woke to the sad news that my beautiful Auntie Ruthie has passed away. My family have never lost anybody that close to us before & for this we are grateful, however it now means this beginning of the year will be slightly tainted and rough going. I know though, that our family are a tight, tough unit that will pull through this together. So already 2016 will be a year where family will be a main focus. I will also finish my second year and enter my third and final year of university... & I will try to carry on living peacefully and fearlessly, only letting those who are going to encourage my growth into my heart and loving and forgiving those who need it most.