Part of his divine plan...

I took a gap year to figure out what it is I want to do with the rest of my adult life. How are we as 17 year olds in our first year of college with all the pressures being a teenager brings; (exams, friends relationships, apperance, part time jobs...) also meant to decide what to do with the rest of our lives? IT'S UTTER NONSENSE. MOST OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW AT THIS AGE STILL HAVE THEIR PARENTS COOK THEIR DINNER AND GIVE THEM POCKET MONEY.

It also makes me laugh how our education system won't let certain people apply for certain courses if they don't have the predicted grades. For example one of my best friends wants to be a doctor; she would make a fantastic doctor, but because her school will not predict her the grades (that she could so easily get) that she needs to get into study medicine she can't apply for medicine - her dream ruined. Do schools/the government realise the pressure and the emotional strain they are putting on young people?!

Of course there are some people out there who know exactly what it is they want to do, and can go straight from school/college to get a degree and they should see themselves as fortunate. But what about people like me who have no idea what they want to do? Or people also like me who want to do everything.

I've wanted to be a teacher, a nurse, a midwife, a politician (harrdeeharr) an actress, a singer, an air stewardess, a receptionist, an arts centre manager, and a lady of leisure. I admit, I'm fickle. I get told I'm fickle by everyone. I get told that I should know by now what I want to do. I get told I won't get anywhere in life. You know what?

I'M 19 YEARS OLD. GIVE ME A CHANCE. I'M YOUNG.

Taking a gap year has made me grow up into an adult for sure; I have to earn my living doing a job I really hate, I have to be independent and I have to finally decide what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I think I've finally realised that I do need to go to university and I do need to get a degree. University is where your life starts, and I'm scared I'll be left behind in little old Tolworth Road forever if I don't break out of my comfort zone. I have a place at Portsmouth university for September 2013, however being the fickle person I am I no longer believe this is the right place for me.

I want to stay in London - move out of Surbiton - but stay in London; not just because my family live here, but because I am a London girl through and through. I was born there, I go every weekend, I LOVE the people, the theatre, the sights. And also, if I stay in London I will be able to carry on singing. Those of you that know me know I am torn between getting into theatre or working with children/young people.

 So, I'm now looking at London Universities to do a Childhood and Youth Studies degree... don't ask me what I want that degree to lead into, as I have no idea. I'm not sure if I will be allowed to apply for 2013 (I will find out tomorow GULP) and if I can't then I will have to take another gap year... HAH! (More ranting blog posts for you all!)

I guess I've just go to remember that I am where God wants me to be at this very moment; every experience is part of his divine plan.

But don't think this will be my final choice, I'm fickle and am bound to find something else in the next few months... unless this is what God really wants!

Until next time,
Bethany x

Dangerous Ramblings

Happy New Year everyone! May 2013 bring you love, joy and happiness - and I hope you achieve all that you wish to do.

Today's blog is just going to be general ramblings. I am one of these people that has many thoughts throughout the day, so this could be a very boring blog if you don't like rambling.

My ever continuing thought of the day today has been; I'M BORED. I have nothing to do on a Monday! My gap year hasn't really turned out how I wanted it too - and I've kept that on the quiet for a while until last night I had some sort of emotional breakdown in front of my parents declaring that "EVERYTHING IS SILLY!"
 Everyone think's that gap years are so great, and you can laze around all day and watch TV and eat junk food and sleep. Thats true, you can do that but its boring! There is nothing to watch on TV, sleep is overated (if you sleep during the day what are you going to do at night?!) and junk food makes me spotty. Oh and we also have none in my house! The worst thing about being bored is that it can make you lonely. Thats right, I'm admitting - gap years make you lonely. Unless you have the money to jet off to an exotic country and meet amazing people. My parents are at work all day, my sisters are at school/work, my friends have all moved to university and my boyfriend is at drama school 9am-9pm EVERYDAY which means I hardly get to speak to him.

That brings me on to my next point. Long Distance Relationships.( I really hope Ashley doesn't mind me writing this... gulp)
Long distance relationships are hard. I’m sorry, but they are. Yeah, there are some pretty great things about them – unlimited alone time, not having to fight for space, but on the whole, being miles apart kind of blows. And whether you feel like acknowledging it or not, distance has a definite impact on the dynamics of a relationship.

A serious long distance relationship, I’m pretty sure, is not the same as having a long distance crush When you have a long distance crush, everything’s new. It’s exciting. You’re getting to know someone over the only modes of communication you have and it’s the biggest emotional tease, really, because the possibility of anything is wide open. Maybe you’ll meet them, maybe you won’t. Maybe it will be idyllic like it is in the movies or maybe it’ll be a horrendous disaster.

But when you’re trying to make something that already exists, something with arms and legs, legitimately work long distance, it’s difficult. It’s difficult because you have the best and worst of both worlds – all the freedom of being single and none of the fun, all the comfort of being in a relationship and none of the contact. It’s like you already have a large part of your life figured out but it’s mysteriously nowhere to be found, and when you think about it, that’s probably one of the weirdest feelings you’ll ever get.

I’m pretty new at this long distance thing so I’m not certain I know what I’m talking about, but I think a large part of making it work is actually two things I’m embarrassingly bad at: Hope and Optimism. Hope as in, you put your everything into it and hope it doesn’t spontaneously combust (or worse, slowly fizzle out), and optimism as in, you don’t allow yourself to succumb to occasional pervasive feelings of loneliness and pointlessness. But when those feelings crop up, they’re unavoidable. How do you handle them? How do you know it’s worth it? What do you have to tell yourself to feel okay?

 It’s scary too because you realize just how fragile it is, how fragile what you’re trying to keep alive really is. You can visit each other, you can Skype, you can do small things that make you feel connected to each other’s lives, but even those can sometimes seem like paltry offerings thrown into the void when you consider the vastness. You also realize how frighteningly easy it is to disconnect. When you fight long distance, for example, it’s not immediate. It’s all radio waves. You can literally be done with each other in the click of a button and knowing that is equal parts crippling and fascinating and all too real.

WOW I'm sorry but thats what has been going on in my brain for most of the day! And if any of you reading this are about to have a long distance relationship please don't freak out - it's not all doom and gloom!

Anyway on a happier topic, I also had a random thought today that I'd like to try baking. Any of my family reading this will laugh as they know I am hopeless in the kitchen! But I found this website that gives you easy baking recipes and I'm just going to start off with cupcakes but its a start isin't it?
This is my favourite cupcake recipe I want to try...

http://bakingmad.com/recipes/cupcake-recipe/ice-cream-cone-cupcakes
How cool is that? Ice-cream cones AND cake together! Maybe I'll blog when I make these on Friday and let you know how they go...

Finally I will just include what my favourite thing to watch on Tv is at the moment when I am SO bored I decide to turn the Tv on. It's Ripper Street on BBC one! I LOVE it. If you like Crime/Murder/History then it is a programme for you.

Bethany x