Self - confidence

It's blog 2 on lessons I have learnt this year; the lesson is "self confidence"
 It has taken me a while to figure out whether or not I should publish this blog, because in some ways I feel more vulnerable publishing something like this than a blog on emotions.

I have suffered from spots since the morning of my 13th birthday. I woke up and there smack BANG on my right cheek was a huge red angry spot. But it didn't bother me, because at 13 I wasn't really concerned by the way I looked. But then I reached 16  my skin really started to go downhill. I would get big angry spots all along my jaw line, and cheeks, my forehead, my eyebrows, my back, my shoulders. Having a mum who is a nurse she recommended we went to the doctors and got some antibiotics just to calm them down. Again, it didn't really bother me but they weren't pleasant. The antibiotics worked, and my skin cleared up for 5 months. Then again, another round of spots hit me, so back to the doctors I went where I was put on a higher dose of antibiotics. I must have been nearly 17 at this time, so it was starting to affect me a bit more, so I started wearing heavy make up to cover up my skin (this doesn't help it, but its a self confidence thing) 5 months later, I had glowing, radiant spot free skin and all was fine until I got back from Australia this year. My face ERRUPTED (gross image!) These were no longer spots - this was acne. Back to the doctors I went, and this time being more grown up and more headstrong I said to my doctor "I want you to find out why I get these spots, and I want to know why they NEVER fully go away" I was put on 2 lots of tablets and a special cream... and nothing was happening. The acne was staying and getting redder, and angrier and more painful. As my skin was getting worse and worse, my mood was also getting worse and worse. I would wake up in the mornings and dread looking in the mirror. I would flinch as I applied my moisturiser because my face hurt so much. I would feel like punching my sister or my friend when they complained of one tiny spot on their chin. I felt like bursting into tears over ANYTHING. It all became too much one Sunday evening. I don't know what caused it, but I had just taken my make up off ready for bed and just couldn't bear the sight of my face. I started scratching at it, trying to pull the skin off and ran down the stairs in hysterics to my parents. "I hate myself, I hate my skin, I'm so ugly, I never want to leave the house again!" (my poor parents :-( ) I wasn't doing this for attention - this is how I really felt. My parents didn't know what to do - there was nothing they could do. So I went to bed. The next few weeks and months that followed that break down, I wasn't really Bethany. I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I stopped going out with friends. I would go out, get paranoid that everyone was staring at my face, have an anxiety attack and come straight home. You see, people don't realise how much acne can affect a person - it causes so many cases of depression and anxiety and I really believe that more should be done about raising awareness of how it can make someone feel. Nobody had ever said anything mean about it too me, but I was beating myself up over it and we are our own worse critics. I started getting deeper treatments for my skin, and it has massively improved. Sadly I am always going to be left with bruising on my face, until I am rich enough to afford laser treatment, but it's nothing make up can't cover for now.

What I am trying to say from this blog is that I truly truly hated how I looked. I didn't feel confident, beautiful or accepted by society until my skin started clearing up. And that shouldn't have been the case - we should all know that we are children of God, and he has formed us carefully and thoughtfully and loves us for who we are. God would NEVER have said the things to me that I was saying to myself! We wouldn't look at a sunrise, or a gorgeous countryside scene and say "Ergh what a piece of crap, why did God ever make that?" so why should we do that to ourselves? The human mind baffles me sometimes. And we need to be so careful what we think, as the power of negative thoughts has a bigger impact than we know.

We all need self confidence. And what I needed to learn was that self confidence should not come from our looks or our talents. Self confidence comes from knowing who you are, and that you are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to save you (Jesus)

 I have learnt more and more that character and personality really is what makes someone beautiful. You can see the size 8, blonde haired, spot free skin girl or the tall, muscular well dressed male and think "yes, they are beautiful" but then you get to know them and start talking to them and they are as dull as a brick wall. What really is beautiful is a caring, kind heart, a non-fake smile and laughter. It sounds cheesy, but if you are confident in yourself and can exhibit all of the above qualities then soon you will start to feel that you are beautiful and if you believe it, others will too.

This blog wasn't a cry for attention or compliments - this was a blog to say to people to stop beating yourselves up; you are loved and accepted and perfectly created. We will all have days where we wished we were a Victoria's secret model, but on those days we need to stop and thank God that we are alive and healthy and beautiful in his sight.

Bethany x

Lessons learnt

2013 has been a roller coaster year, and as there are only 42 days left (!) I have decided to do a series of blog posts on lessons I've learnt throughout 2013.

Tonight I want to write about "It is better to try and fail then not try at all"

I think its fair to say I've tried a few different career choices in my short 20 years. (& please don't think I'm fickle) At the end of 2012 I was an intern for a theatre company, worked in the library and then  worked at Sainsbury's in the bakery! My time at the theatre and the library were happy one's but they needed to come to an end, my time at Sainsbury's was a crappy one but it was a job and for that I should be thankful.

In April 2013 I went to Australia and worked in a zoo! I'd never worked in a zoo before, and never thought I would and I was probably slightly deluded thinking I could even try working in a zoo but I gave it a go anyway! A few kangaroo kicks, koala scratches and dead rats later I knew that a career with animals was not for me. But I tried and now I have some funny stories to tell and what an experience it was to be up close and interacting with all these amazing animals.

When I returned from Australia I decided to start a 8 month course in beauty therapy - make up has always been an interest of mine so I decided to take that interest a little further. I now have 8 weeks left of that course and I now know that a career in the beauty industry is not for me either! Before I started my course I thought beauty therapy was a doss career (just being honest) and that the girls who did it were not the brightest bulbs around. But boy was I wrong. Beauty therapy is hard work, that involves long hours, lots of anatomy and physiology and being a very creative and caring person. I really admire some of the girls and guys I have met on the course and know that they will all do amazingly in their careers within the beauty industry.
 However, I find some of the treatments incredibly challenging, the environment tedious and I really can't wait to leave. But again, I don't regret it - I've tried something new and have another skill set under my belt.

I guess what I'm trying to say in all my ramblings is that if you don't step out of your comfort zone, if you don't take risks then are you living and are you learning? By taking risks and doing things you wouldn't normally do, you find out things about yourself. You may discover a new talent or you may find out that its really not for you, and if that's the case then WHO CARES? You TRIED something and now you know something about yourself.

For ages (and you can see from previous blogs) I have never really known what it is I've wanted to do, and I've often beat myself up about it. I wanted to be one of those people who knew what career they wanted. But as we come towards the end of the year I've realised how many skills I've gained. how much I have matured and grown as a person and how many stories I will have to tell when I'm older.

One of the most important things I have learnt through 2013 is that painful break - ups, unrequited love, crappy jobs/courses and the like help to build character, and that no matter how painful it feels you are much better off because of it.

I am still trying new things towards the end of 2013, and my advice to you is this: If there is something you want to try, DO IT. If you don't like where you are, MOVE you are not a tree. Of course you have to be sensible in the choices you make and not to do anything hastily, but you never know what lies ahead for you out of your comfort zone.

x