Hello 2016

It has taken me a good few days to write my end of 2015 blog; this is because 2015 was a year where nothing incredibly dramatic happened month by month like it seemed to do in 2014.It has taken me a while to get my head around 2015, as it was a whirlwind but I really wanted to give it justice. Looking back now I see that 2015 was a year of character development and life lessons in small doses. I write this blog not to attention seek, but to reflect and inform.

At the end of my 2014 year review blog I wrote these words: "So what does 2015 hold? First and foremost, becoming an aunty. I cannot wait to hold and love that baby, and it is a huge priority of mine that baby grows up knowing how much it is loved. Secondly to complete my first year and start my second year at The University of York, and finally to carry on living fearlessly no matter what life throws at me" 

I became an Aunty on January the 22nd 2015 to a beautiful baby girl; Emilia Ellen Condello. She means the world to me, and I will love her and fiercely protect her forever. She brings so much joy to our family, and to others and I cannot wait to see what a little world changer she is going to be. So thats the first thing ticked off my 2015 list. I completed my first year at The University of York (just!) and am now into full swing of second year. I am enjoying my course, being challenged, learning a lot and am happy and settled. Second thing checked off the list.

Did I manage to live fearlessly no matter what life threw at me? Well, as I said, in 2015 there wasn't really any one big event that changed me, or my perspective, or even anything that drastically sad happen to me. But a few little things did occur that taught me a few lessons.
I lost two people who used to mean the world to me. And not through death - in fact I lost them because of life. People do outgrow people, it is part of life - however when those out growings (I am aware this isn't even a word!) happen and you aren't entirely sure why they have happened you begin to question yourself. Was it me? Something I did? Something I didn't do? Did I not make enough effort? You can question and question yourself, and wonder where it went wrong, and try and resolve the situation - but sometimes after you have apologised, and tried more than once you have to learn to let it go, and realise that some things will never go back to how they used to be.

This happened to me and it made me realise once again how great God's timing is. If I had lost said person whilst I was still living at home, and hadn't moved up to York, I would have been so very lonely. But the timing that this event happened, I am surrounded by amazing friends, and I have learnt the true value of friendship. I also lost somebody who was no good for me, but I have only just realised that they were no good for me in the past few weeks. This person hurt me in a way that I haven't been hurt before. Constant lies, followed by constant rounds of forgiving and forgetting, followed by more constant lies, and getting people involved who I thought were my friends in on those lies. I finally learnt at the end of 2015 to let it go. This person is never going to be a good person for me, no matter how much I may want them in my life. This person brought nothing to me except a constant state of anxiety and panic and sadness. And currently I have all the people around me that do not bring me anything but happiness, fun and laughter. I learnt through this that I can't control people's behaviour, and I no longer want that burden. And I will no longer put up with being mistreated or lied too.
So did I live through those events fearlessly? I like to think so; loosing people is never easy, but you have to keep running the race that is life.

Also in 2015 I like to think that myself & my family lived fearlessly in the face of illness. My dad did not have a very positive "well" year and it has been a trying time for us all. 2015 taught me the importance of family; and how family are everything. Family are there for you through situations that nobody else knows you go through, family are the ones who you laugh the hardest with and cry the most with & family are also the ones to take you to A&E when you end up with concussion after a few too many on a night out!

In 2015 I also moved into my own house with my friends! We have had to learn bill paying, communal living skills, and basically become as adult as we can! (We still haven't achieved this!) I love my house, and I feel I have grown again in independence and knowledge of life.
I undertook a placement within a mental health recovery setting, and was challenged, stressed, and worn out. I learnt how privileged my life has been and still is, but not to underplay some of the things I go through, because each experience is just as important no matter what the situation.

But I learnt a lot, grew in confidence and my mind and emotions were stretched. I never expected university to be this much of a whole learning experience, but it really is so much more than just getting a degree.

So, 2016, what do you bring? This morning I woke to the sad news that my beautiful Auntie Ruthie has passed away. My family have never lost anybody that close to us before & for this we are grateful, however it now means this beginning of the year will be slightly tainted and rough going. I know though, that our family are a tight, tough unit that will pull through this together. So already 2016 will be a year where family will be a main focus. I will also finish my second year and enter my third and final year of university... & I will try to carry on living peacefully and fearlessly, only letting those who are going to encourage my growth into my heart and loving and forgiving those who need it most.