When I started this blog in January 2013, I was in a really bad place. A place where I felt I had no future and no love and in some ways felt like a lot of people were against me. 2013 was and will remain a year I will never forget, but this blog has been a document for that part of my life journey. I started it off not to get attention, not to moan, but I simply felt that my struggles needed to be shared because so many people out there struggle with life, and are not open about it. People are scared to talk about their emotions, for fear of looking weak, or for fear or being told they are attention seekers. Talking (and writing) about my emotions and my life experiences has actually opened so many doors for me and I encourage all of you to talk about your feelings, do not become a shell; it is a beautiful thing to feel.
So, it's that time of year again; to reflect and remember 2014! 2014 has been an incredibly positive, mind stretching, heart shaping year. In my stocking last Christmas, I received a little wooden plaque. On it were the words "Follow your dream" I decided there and then that 2014 was going to be my moving on year. Enough with fear of growing up, it was time to start making the life I wanted and needed. I qualified as a beautician in January 2014, and although make up and beauty are a hobby in my life, I couldn't see myself in the beauty industry as a career. I was fortunate enough (and am still fortunate enough) to have a job that I enjoy with a great team and fun company so I thought I would just carry on working there until a sign magically appeared from the heavens with what I should do. (Honestly, I thought this would happen!) In February 2014, two exciting things happened. The first was I was called for an interview at The University of York to study Social Work. I had always had social work on my mind & heart to study or go into, but didn't believe I had the grades to do it (nor did I believe I would ever move up North!) I went along to the interview, and I was petrified. More petrified than when I flew to Australia by myself. The interview itself was an intense experience, but for me the petrified feeling was because I knew it was where God wanted me, and that's a strange feeling and one I hadn't experienced before. . My mum and I were staying in a lovely B&B and the night before the interview I just KNEW it was where I was supposed to be. But I didn't want to be there.. my ideal situation would have been to stay at home, work part time, go to Kingston university and still have my family and home comforts. I had to wait a long time before I knew the results of my interview, and even though these results were good news, I was on edge everyday checking my emails kind of hoping I didn't get in, but wanting to get in at the same time (my mind is a confusing place!) The next exciting thing that happened in February was that I became a Godmother to my best friends beautiful baby girl. I truly believe this experience with my best friend and the baby is one of the reasons I stayed around Surbiton for so long. I know people say there is no feeling like becoming a mother, and I hope to have this experience myself one day; but the experience of going through Rose's pregnancy with her, and meeting and holding Belle for the first time, and watching her grow up, and watching Rose be the fantastic mother she is; I have felt emotions I have never felt before & I am so proud of them and proud to be in their lives. In March 2014 nothing really happened, apart from an interview at Winchester University. This was where I wanted to go; only an hour away from home, smaller campus, near friends and family = perfect. But nope, that door was slammed firmly shut when I was rejected... but a few days later I got an email from York, saying they wanted to have me on the course! I can remember my mum and I crying in the kitchen because all of a sudden life seemed to be moving on for me, and it was becoming very real. Not getting into Winchester did chip my heart a little bit, but after a few wise words from my older sister and her husband, I realised a degree from York (and a move far away) would help me out in the long run. Again, April 2014 life was steady, I was working, getting good money & enjoying being with my best friend and her baby. But I did get the amazing opportunity to go onto Premier radio to talk about this blog! I never thought a little blog like this would want to be aired on radio, but that was an awesome experience and one I am very grateful for. May 2014.... I found out my older sister was expecting a baby & I was going to be an aunty! This news literally made my heart burst. From the moment I knew I felt very protective over my older sister & very much in love already with little bambino. My only sadness is I will not be around very much to see baby grow up; and I am still coming to terms with this, but I know there will be holidays for me to enjoy. June 2014, life carried on as normal, and then July came. July 2014 was a shock, a big big shock that I still struggle with today. As those of you who read my blog, or know me in general will know, I witnessed a young boy commit suicide in July. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, had a round of cognitive behavioural therapy, and suffer from flashbacks. I never, ever, in a million years believed I would see something like that and feel the emotions I have felt from that day. But, I know everything happens for a reason; If I had witnessed that tragic event in 2013, I would not of been strong enough to handle it. In July, I felt I grew up. I had witnessed a life end, because of so much unhappiness in someone's life. It made me stop and really think about my life. It made me question life. It made me question God. It made me angry and sad and overwhelmed. But my conclusion was this; "I have a very blessed life. I am blessed with an amazing, loving family. I have everything I need. I have opportunities. Life is an amazing thing, and I don't plan on wasting it." The rest of July and August were a bit of a struggle. As I said, I had post-traumatic stress disorder and so sometimes I was short of temper, or overly emotional. I don't think this was helped with the upcoming move to University. SO - September came! Sunday the 28th September 2014, I moved to University! Funnily enough, the day itself I felt calm and ready. Lets say that October and November were months of fun and learning. University life has been crazy, with little sleep, lots of growing up and lots of fun. It has been what I have needed. To step out of my comfort zone, to meet new people and make new friends. To start using my brain again, (which in all honesty has been extremely difficult) I know that university is going to be a rollercoaster. I know it is going to bring heartaches and challenges and stressful times; but I feel equipped to handle these times ahead. It is now December 2014, and I am home from Christmas; Back with my family, and back to work for 5 weeks.
What have been the life lessons of 2014? I've learnt and am continuing to learn that God will put you in unexpected places, and if you go along with this, great things can come out of it. I've learnt not to run away from fear. I could of easily turned down York as it was where I didn't want to be. I could of used my post traumatic stress disorder to let me take another year off to make sure I was okay enough to handle that life change.
I learnt that even if you don't have the love you want, there are still so many people out there loving you & I learnt that life will bring amazing people into your life, who will make you smile and laugh and make the World seem a brighter place.
So, what does 2015 hold? First and foremost, becoming an aunty. I cannot wait to hold and love that baby, and it is a huge priority in my life that that baby grows up knowing how much it is loved. Secondly, to complete my first year and begin my second year at The University of York; to work hard and play hard.
And finally, to carry on living fearlessly no matter what life throws at me.
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